my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
