Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
