Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The best revenge is premature balding
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
