seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
