you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
