I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
fuck your aforementioned shoe
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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