Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
