I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Randomize
