There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
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Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
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Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?