you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest