Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
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A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
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I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.