You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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