i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
