Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
