when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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