hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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