apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
