so explain again why im purple
no
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Randomize
