I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
