So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
