i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
