My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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