I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
