Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
