Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
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Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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