RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
