I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
