Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
