Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I want to be your penis for a week.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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