The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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