Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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