I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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