mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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