just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
