Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
