Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
