why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
