Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
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Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
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He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".