There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
