I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.