Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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