I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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