Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?