when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
