I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.