watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
