i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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