Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
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and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
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I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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