Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
