and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
