I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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