if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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