I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
