Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
