Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
