Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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