he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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