booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
