I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
