I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.