I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?