I'm drive I can fine osifer
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.