white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
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At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
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DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?