Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day