mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
