Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
